oinka.com

Have you ever been to a function in a room full of strangers and found yourself lost for words? It can be a very lonely experience, especially if you intend to date.

The art of introducing yourself to others and creating small talk may come naturally for some, but most people confess to feeling shy, embarrassed and don’t know where to start. Your inner ambitions are crying out for you to relate to others – just as other people are deeply interested to know you.

The key to knowing where to start is to understand the four levels of communication.

1. Small Talk

When you meet someone for the first time, the safest place to start is to talk about surface issues. For instance, make a comment about the weather, current events or the surroundings you are in.

This is called “small talk”, and is used to “size up” the other person to determine the comfort zone between the two of you. There is no need to disclose any personal information with the other person at this stage, as this initial interaction assists you to determine how “safe” they are on your first meeting.

If you are comfortable engaging each other at a surface level you can easily slip into the next level of communication: fact disclosure.

2. Fact Disclosure

This level of communication is slightly deeper than small talk in that you disclose facts about yourself without triggering topics of emotional interest.

The purpose of fact disclosure is to find out if you have something in common. You can use these common areas to build a bridge of friendship later on. You may want to talk about your career or occupation, hobbies, where you live, etc.

Avoid topics like marriage and divorce, politics, sex and religion in this second level of communication. With a little creative thinking, and the use of open-ended questions, you should easily find a topic that interests you both.

If you find a topic of mutual interest then you may progress to the next level of communication: sharing viewpoints and opinions.

3. Share Viewpoints and Opinions

Once you have established that the other person is “safe” through small talk, and have found areas of common interest, you can build rapport by sharing your opinions and viewpoints.

By sharing your viewpoints and opinions you allow yourself to become vulnerable to the scrutiny and objections of the other person, so you would only enter this level of communication once you were comfortable that you both share positive feelings through the first two levels.

Some people give an opinion about politics or religion as their starting point at this level. But you may firstly want to comment on the things you have in common that you found through fact disclosure. This is a safe place to start.

Be prepared to listen to the opinions of your new friend. It is just as important to listen to their viewpoint as much as you expect them to listen to yours. This will enable your friendship to survive.

Make sure you don’t use your opinions as a form of “character assassination” of other people. You may be thought of as a negative person and this may cause your new friend to distance himself/herself from you.

Over time you will learn to find a safe distance in your communication levels, and if you are forming a bond of friendship you may eventually enter into the fourth level of communication: sharing personal feelings.

4. Share Personal Feelings

Only solid friendships survive time to enter the fourth level of communication. After building upon trust, finding things in common and listening to the viewpoints and opinions of others, you may be able to share your personal feelings.

This is where an acquaintance becomes a genuine friend. You know that despite having differing opinions and viewpoints you can trust your friend’s judgement, and may go to them for advice.

Things of deep value to you can be shared without feeling threatened. You listen closely to each other without the need to “solve” your friend’s problem. You are happy to reflect their feelings back to them – forming a bond of empathy and compassion between the two of you.

At this level of communication, it is important that you provide a little distance between yourself and your friend. If the distinction between yourself and your friend becomes unrecognizable, it is possible for your relationship to go sour. If you know how to handle your own feelings, attitudes and behaviors while maintaining your friendship at this level, you will build a successful friendship that can last a lifetime.

By using these four levels of communication with prospective ‘dates’ you will find that they will become interested in you and want to get to know you all the more.

It’s Valentine’s Day again. And guess what? All over the world, people are tapping away at keyboards, searching for inspiration as they trawl the Internet.

What are they typing into Google? Words like:

“Unique Valentines gift”… or “Valentines day surprise”… or “Valentines day ideas”.

Of course, everyone wants to surprise their beloved with something truly different! They’re hoping that somewhere out there, tucked away in a corner of Cyberspace, they’re going to find an idea. Something that will make their Valentines Day target really sit up and take notice.

If that’s what you’re doing, you’re going to be pleased that you found THIS. Why? The next few sentences are going to share the secrets of a truly original V-Day gift. It’s really so simple that you’re going to kick yourself for not working it out for yourself. But we’re wasting time… let’s get down to it. All you need, you see, is a system.

Are you rolling your eyes and wondering if you’ve wandered into a staff meeting by mistake? Never fear. This WORKS. For the sake of convenience, we’re going to use “she” - but this works just as well for males or females.

== Step 1. Cut Out The Traditional Gifts. ===

Or if you don’t cut them out, at least make them an ‘add on’ to the main gift. A box of chocolates as a warm-up, or red roses as a parting gift… yes, that’s nice. But puh-lease… don’t rush into the florist at the last minute and buy a bunch of whatever’s left just so she will keep speaking to you.

== Step 2. Work Out What She DOESN’T Want. ==

This is not rocket science. If she hates seafood you’re not going to take her to All-You-Can-Eat-Lobster. If she is into minimalist decorating then she’s not likely to appreciate Wedgwood vases. If the Three Tenors make her go weak at the knees then she probably won’t be keen on Hip Hop. The big trap here is buying her something that YOU like rather than what SHE likes. Open your eyes. Make sure you really know what makes her tick.

== Step 3. What Does She Buy? ===

What a girl owns will tell you a lot about what she likes. Does she pore over the jewelry catalogs, or brush them aside in favor of the latest brochure from the computer store? If she already wears six different chains around her neck and four bracelets and seven rings, you can safely assume she’s REALLY into jewelry. But if a ten year old watch is the only adornment you can see, forget it.

If she loves sports gear and already has four pairs of cross-trainers, go shopping at the sports store. If she adores animals, buy something related to her pets - or maybe buy her an unusual new pet, if it will fit into her lifestyle.

Are you beginning to see a pattern here? Yep, “What fits her lifestyle” - that’s the key. Let’s continue…

== Step 4. Think Outside The Square ==

Now that you have your list of what she does and doesn’t like (you are making a list, aren’t you?) it’s time to get really creative. Here are a few examples:

She likes jewelry:- What kind of jewelry will have a special meaning for her? Think in terms of where it’s bought; any tie-ins with days or dates; a unique way you might deliver it. Can you present it in a way that will never be forgotten? (In the NICEST way, of course!)

She likes hi-tech toys:- Can you add a special song to a new MP3 player? Or present her with a new DVD player plus a romantic movie as a bonus? (If she’s not into romantic movies - and plenty of girls aren’t: they prefer to live romance rather than watch it! - how about the latest action thriller?)

She likes the outdoor life: If you’re into grand gestures, how about a new kayak plus a river trip organized to go with it? Or if you’re low on funds… a ticket to a sporting match along with a signed photo of her favorite sports star? (Yes, you do have to plan ahead for that one.)

== Step 5. The Valentine’s Day Follow Up ==

True love is all about thinking of others ALL the time, not just on one day of the year. To be truly unique, why not organize a 12-step St Valentine’s Day surprise - something new on the 14th of EVERY month! The gifts don’t have to be large or expensive. A foot massage after a tiring day is more welcome than diamonds for a weary girlfriend. Start by giving her a meaningful gift on Valentine’s Day, and accompany it with a note telling her there’ll be another surprise on 14th March… then 14th April… then 14th May…

Do you think she won’t be telling the world how wonderful you are? You better believe it!

One of the biggest differences between men and women is the speed and ease with which they become aroused.

Arousal is the first step towards sexual satisfaction but from the outset men and women are often out of sync - one’s raring to go and the other isn’t, at least not yet!

This can, and very often does, cause problems in sexual relationships. But when couples understand the differences between them and account for it in their lovemaking, sex couldn’t be better.

Men can become fully aroused in a matter of minutes, if not seconds, responding quickly and easily to fairly basic and and often predictable triggers - a simple sight, sound, smell or touch. Sometimes male arousal is a little too easy - most men have stories, sometimes embarrassing stories, to tell about times when they’ve become aroused despite their best efforts not to.

For women sexual arousal is a slower, more unpredictable, complex and sometimes-difficult process. Not because women have different (and some how less adequate) equipment from men but because women think differently from men.

In general, men tend to focus on specific issues and goals, one at a time, rather than the “big picture”. So, when sex is the focus, there is little to dampen arousal because, for the time being, sex is the only issue that matters. Never mind that the rest of his life is falling apart - or that the current sexual encounter might cause it to fall apart.

For women, quite the opposite is true. Female sexuality is intricately and inextricably linked to everything else in a woman’s life: her emotions, stress levels, feelings about herself and her surroundings and, of course, her feelings about the man she’s with. In almost everything it’s the big picture that counts - women find it difficult to separate one aspect of their lives from another. In fact, women are well known for their ability to devote their energies and emotions to several things at once.

However, women need to let go of the big picture to become aroused. Because this goes against the grain it takes a woman considerably more time than it does a man to feel “in the mood”. While men block out other thoughts, women process a lot of information en route to arousal, consciously and subconsciously.

This isn’t to say that a woman runs through a lengthy checklist in her head - “Health of our relationship: fair, Desirability of male: very, Feelings about my body: I hate it”. It simply means that a woman needs time for the big picture, and its worries and concerns, to fade away, for her focus to narrow down to the pleasures of the moment. “Yes I feel fat but he can’t get enough of me”, “Yes I did lock the door”, “Wow, this wine is good”…

Depending on what’s going on in the big picture, this process can take just a little time or quite a lot of time. The wise male, who is already aroused and ready to go, will control himself and give his partner the time she needs.